


The Cabin Project

by gardnerhill



Category: The Red Green Show (TV), due South
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-20
Updated: 2017-03-20
Packaged: 2018-10-08 07:23:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10381536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardnerhill/pseuds/gardnerhill
Summary: Fraser and Vecchio get some extremely unwanted help in fixing up Dad's cabin.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 1995.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

RED GREEN

HAROLD GREEN

BENTON FRASER

RAY VECCHIO

BUZZ SHERWOOD

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD

RANGER GORD

BILL

EDGAR "K.B." MONTROSE

 

 

FADE IN. EXTERIOR, LAKESIDE. RED GREEN FISHING. A LOON CALLS.

 

RED GREEN

(To the camera)

You know, men and women have always had a need to get away from each other. Difference is in how it's done. Women collect things; men do things. Women get together for Tupperware parties, baby showers, shopping trips. Men get together to go hunting, fishing, watch a game. I'll bet the real reason cavemen went out and killed mammoths was that it beat hanging around the cave on a rainy day listening to the women talking about them. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us who we are.

 

OPENING, "THE RED GREEN SHOW"

 

RED GREEN

(over opening)

On today's show... Edgar Montrose talks to the police; Buzz Sherwood thinks he's Don Johnson; Bill shows you which end of an axe to hold; and I turn into a real sap.

 

INTERIOR POSSUM LODGE. LIVE AUDIENCE. HAROLD PLAYS GUITAR-SYNTHESIZER. APPLAUSE.

 

HAROLD

And now, the King of Do-It-Yourself Home Repairs -- my uncle, Red Green!

 

APPLAUSE. ENTER RED GREEN.

 

RED GREEN

And beside me, the Serf of What-did-We-Do-Wrong Home Despair, my nephew Harold.

 

HAROLD

We've got a special guest this week, Uncle Red.

 

RED GREEN

That's right, Harold. Those of us at Possum Lodge who knew Sergeant Bob Fraser -- like Moose Thompson's brother Ralph, who's currently spending five to seven years away from home -- know his son Ben's a Mountie too, he works in the Consulate down in Chicago. Well, Ben's come up to work on his dad's cabin, it took some lightning damage last year.

HAROLD

(Loftily)

Uncle Red, that was _no_ lightning damage. That was a deliberate act of vandalism that involved planted money from an old bank robbery and a released female convict's attempt to frame Constable Fraser with murder in revenge for a failed love affair! Hah!

RED GREEN

(Staring at HAROLD)

You ate a lot of paint chips when you were a kid, didn't you, Harold? (To AUDIENCE) When we found out what Ben was up to, a bunch of the guys at Possum Lodge decided to go up to the Fraser cabin and give him a hand with the repairs.

 

HAROLD

(Grinning nervously)

Uncle Red, did Constable Fraser say you could help him? 'Cause you know, it's important to get permission.

 

RED GREEN

He didn't say anything, Harold. That's 'cause he doesn't know we're coming. It's going to be a surprise when we show up.

 

HAROLD

(Under his breath)

It's gonna be a surprise if the cabin doesn't burn down again, hah!

 

CUT TO: CAMPFIRE. HAROLD AND RED GREEN PLAYING INSTRUMENTS.

 

RED GREEN

(Singing)

Ohhh... George used to walk in his sleep,

A habit he tried hard to break.

He'd wander through trees and cross rivers,

But nothing could get him to wake.

Till one night he dreamed of Brigitte Bardot

And woke up because he stunk.

So if you sleep-walk you can cure yourself --

Just bend over and French-kiss a skunk!

 

CUT TO: FIRE TOWER 13. RANGER GORD AT THE TOWER'S FOOT.

 

RANGER GORD

You're watching the Red Green show. (Nervously) Ben? Remember that copy of _Les Miserables_ I borrowed from your grandparents' library twenty years ago? Well...I'm almost done with it.

 

CUT TO: WORKSHOP -- "HANDYMAN'S CORNER." RED GREEN BEHIND WORKBENCH.

 

RED GREEN

Today on "Handyman's Corner" I'm gonna make something for Ben Fraser's cabin. Now I understand Ben brought a friend up with him from Chicago to help make the walls and roof and stuff, but I'm going to make the door. Now normally we'd have to hack down some trees and split and plane the logs and make 'em into boards and stuff, but I've got a better idea. So...

 

(RED wrestles over a picnic table.)

 

...I'm using a picnic table. Good thick wood, crosspieces bolted in already, and Ben'll get used to bending down to get through the door.

 

(RED fires up the chain saw and hacks off the table legs, very noisily and with a good deal of sawdust flying. He stands the big ungainly thing on end and beams with pride.)

 

Now Ben's been living in Chicago, so I'm gonna make the door look like a big-city door -- I'm gonna put in a peephole. You know, like the ones they have in hotels and stuff. So when someone knocks Ben can see who it is and decide if he should pretend he's not in. You know, if it's a salesman or Jehovah's Witnesses or relatives or something.

 

(Picks up a pickaxe.)

 

So first, we make the HOLE.

 

(Drives the pickaxe through the door. Through the bottom half of the door, to be precise. RED stares at the big hole, just knee-high.)

 

All right, so Ben can look at the guy's knees and see if he recognizes him. Mounties are good at that stuff. Now for the peephole, you find an old pair of binoculars, or maybe a little spyglass, like this one --

 

(RED produces a cheap plastic telescope that was probably a party favor)

 

\-- and you set 'er in place.

 

(The little spyglass falls right through the enormous hole. RED picks it up again.)

 

This calls for the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape.

 

(Several rolls of duct tape later, the spyglass is wedged into a big silver patch on the door.)

 

Door handle's the next thing to put on. Now I just happen to have the thing right here --

 

(RED yanks off the handle from an Igloo jug.)

 

Sure it's a little big, but when the door gets stuck you'll need both hands to yank it open, right?

 

(A few ugly moments with an electric screwdriver later, the flailing white plastic handle doing a Weed-Wacker impression and all, the handle is firmly screwed into the picnic table.)

 

Right! Now I take a couple of hinges...

 

(More ugly, noisy scenes with the electric screwdriver. RED beams with pride.)

 

...and it's all ready to go over to the Fraser property!

 

(RED picks up the door. Well, he attempts to pick up the door and nothing moves. He grunts loudly at its weight. He tries to pick it up by the door handle, which snaps at one end in his hand. He stares at the door, hefting the strip of plastic bolted to the table top. Faces the camera.)

All right, now it's a door-pull. Trust me, it's more rustic than a handle. Lemme call Harold -- and Moose Thompson -- and get this in the pickup. (Grins) And remember --if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy!

 

CUT TO: DOCK. PLANE FLOATING ON LAKE. RED GREEN AND BUZZ SHERWOOD IN FOREGROUND.

 

RED GREEN

I'm with Buzz Sherwood, who flew Ben Fraser and his friend up here.

 

BUZZ

Yeah, Red, it was great, except for Ray. Uh, Detective Vecchio.

 

RED GREEN

Ben's friend?

 

BUZZ

Yeah. He's from Chicago, big-city cop, guns and everything. Just like Miami Vice! Whoo! Pssh, pssh, pssh! Aa aa aa aa aa aa aa!

 

(BUZZ imitates a shoot-out for about ten seconds; RED is visibly annoyed)

 

Man, was that guy nervous!

 

RED GREEN

(Gives Buzz a "no wonder" stare)

 

Probably just your flying, Buzz.

 

BUZZ

Oh no! All the way up Ray kept asking me if I was dealing drugs, if I was gonna ditch the plane, and if I planned to hunt them both down like mad dogs through the bush once the plane had crash-landed.

 

(Silence for a beat)

 

RED GREEN

And what did you say to that?

 

BUZZ

I said I didn't think _I_ was the one who was having the drug problem at the moment. Geez, the nerve of him, asking me about drugs! (A BEAT) That party was five years ago, it wasn't a full ounce and nobody saw me take it!

 

CUT TO: GRAINY BLACK-AND-WHITE FILM OF FOUR MEN WITH AXES IN WOODS: RED GREEN, BILL, BEN FRASER AND RAY VECCHIO. FRASER IS WEARING THE MOUNTIE HAT. RED'S VAN IS BEHIND THEM.

 

RED GREEN

(voice-over narration)

Today, on "Adventures with Bill," me and Bill are helping Ben Fraser and Ray Vecchio cut the timber to rebuild the Fraser cabin.

 

(FRASER is holding two axes and gives one to RAY, who smiles at him.)

Okay, looks like Ben's got two axes...two, and he's giving one to his friend Ray.

 

(BILL smiles and pulls out his own axe -- about twice the size of the others. It's obviously very heavy and awkward for BILL to hold. RED is standing way back.)

 

Bill's got his, someone really ought to tell him it isn't the size, it's how you swing the thing and...oh, no, Bill, watch before you -- uh, Bill, you might wanna --

 

(BILL swings wildly. His axe goes flying out of his hand and takes off FRASER's hat. FRASER turns to look at BILL; he looks surprised.)

 

Oh, good, no damage done; well, not yet, anyway.

 

(RAY lunges at BILL with his bare hands. FRASER holds RAY back. It's a fierce struggle.)

 

Looks like Ray doesn't like Bill all that much...that Ray's a smart guy.

 

(While BEN and RAY argue, BILL walks over to the place where the axe is stuck deep in a tree. BILL starts yanking on the handle, trying to free it. He really leans on it, grinding his teeth, and yanks yard.)

 

Well, Bill, that's a good tree, I'd go for it. Uh, Bill, that's not really a good way to free the axe, Bill, Bill, you're gonna --

 

(The axe flies free, whirling through the air, takes off RED's cap, keeps going toward the van, and clips off the rear-view mirror.)

 

Well, you know, Bill, I was kinda expecting that to happen, seems like you can't do anything without taking a piece out of the van.

 

(FRASER puts his hat back on. He is neatly and methodically chopping down a tree. RAY is doing the same to a nearby tree, sometimes looking over at FRASER between chops.)

 

Ben and Ray are getting a good start, Ray's doing pretty good for a city guy. Kinda looks like he's following Ben's lead there, figuring out what to do and...oh, no, Bill, Bill, I wouldn't do that if I were... Bill, you're just gonna --

 

(BILL swings again. The axe goes flying again, burying itself in FRASER's tree just as he bends down, missing FRASER by inches. FRASER straightens up and bangs his head on the axe handle, knocking his hat off again -- he winces and rubs his head.)

 

Uh, Bill, you know what happens if you kill a Mountie? They hunt you to the ends of the earth -- it's not pretty, believe you me.

 

(RAY lunges at BILL, raising his axe over his head with both hands. FRASER holds RAY back again. RAY seems to be yelling something.)

 

And for starters, looks like you're gonna have a pissed-off Italian coming at you with an axe.

 

(BILL hides behind RED, who's trying to step away from him.)

 

Oh, no, Bill, don't do that, I've seen _The Godfather_ , you're on your own with this one.

 

(FRASER and RAY take up a crosscut saw to tackle a big tree -- but now RAY's glaring at BILL. BILL's starting to look nervous around RAY.)

 

Okay, good idea, switch to the saw, less damage that way.

 

(BILL and RED take another crosscut saw and tackle another tree. BILL throws himself into this work too -- so much so that he drives RED's saw handle into his gut. RED doubles over and falls.)

 

Obviously I spoke too soon. And Bill, Bill's gonna --

 

(BILL yanks too hard on his now-unpartnered saw. The long blade whips completely out of the tree, flies out of BILL's hands, and heads straight toward FRASER and RAY. Both men lean away fast as the saw hits the tree they're cutting and sticks there, wobbling madly. There's now a long ragged gash in FRASER's shirt and undershirt, all the way to the skin, to match the path of the saw blade.)

 

Oh, that was close, Bill, I don't think your insurance covers -- uh, Ray, Ray, you don't have to --

 

(RAY grabs a shaking BILL by the shirt-collar and the seat of his pants and marches off-camera, dragging the whimpering BILL along. FRASER follows behind, remonstrating.)

 

\-- well, if you insist --

 

(RAY marches back on-camera, dusting his hands and grinning, still followed by a reproachful FRASER. RED stares and starts laughing at BILL, who we can now see is duct-taped to a tree.)

 

\-- Oh, there, there's the solution. Good idea, Ray, must be that Yankee ingenuity or something.

 

(RAY marches to BILL, holding a chainsaw and grinning evilly. BILL shakes. His mouth is duct-taped so he can't say anything.)

 

\-- OK, Ray, a joke's a joke, that's enough of that -- uh, Ray --

 

(And RAY walks past and starts cutting down a tree behind BILL. BILL collapses -- as much as he can -- as FRASER stares at him, then picks up the axe and finds another tree. RED, still laughing, walks away from BILL.)

 

Well, that's better. Yeah, Bill, you just stay there and watch for thunderclouds or something. You know you're more helpful this way?

 

CUT TO: RED IN THE BASEMENT, TYING FLIES

 

 RED GREEN

I wanna talk to all you middle-aged guys out there. About your hair. You know, the stuff that keeps disappearing from the top of your head, and ending up in your ears and nose and your back and stuff? No one knows why that happens, why the hair suddenly starts migrating to places God never meant hair to grow. And have you ever _seen_ ear hair? Looks like an angry badger -- and you'll have the same luck getting it out of there. But the way I figure, it's protection. You get that hair in your ears, it just might block out your kids' music. Or the wife complaining about how you never do stuff together. Better yet, some night cuddle up close and let her _see_ where your hair went, and she'll probably stop asking you to do stuff with her. Remember -- I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together!

 

CUT TO: POSSUM LODGE

 

(Harold is playing the synthesizer when Red staggers in. He's got a stovepipe section jammed on his left arm, downy feathers are drifting off of him, and he's generally scraped and scratched.)

HAROLD

(Stunned)

Uncle Red, what happened? Was there an accident at the Fraser cabin?

 

RED GREEN

(Gesturing with stovepiped arm)

Well, Moose Thompson's dad always said he was an accident, so you'd be right, Harold. Ben and his friend Ray were just getting one wall finished and put up when the guys showed up to help. So the gang put the other three walls together with the boards that were already out, just flat out on the ground. Used whatever they had with 'em: hammers, nails, Stinky Petersen's staple gun. Just like a barn-raising. Only trouble is they couldn't pick the walls up, so basically what they had out there were these three big wooden rafts flat on the ground. Moose Thompson was carrying the door and he put it down to help pick up one of the new walls. So he leaned it right up against that first wall Ben and Ray made. Seems they hadn't gotten it clinched down yet.

 

HAROLD

Uncle Red! It didn't!

 

RED GREEN

Yup, Whole thing went right over. Took out the rest of the stovepipe...

 

(Gestures with arm stuck in pipe, feathers still drifting)

 

...knocked the bedframe and pillow to pieces...

 

(Pulls out a tuft of white fur from his teeth)

 

...and came this close to squashing Ben's pet wolf.

 

HAROLD

Uncle Red, that's awful!

 

RED GREEN

You're telling me. It's pretty messy out there right now. Ben's friend Ray Vecchio got pretty excited.

 

HAROLD

Really, Uncle Red?

 

RED GREEN

Oh yeah. I wrote down some of those Italian words he used, and asked Father Roncalli what they meant. He slapped me.

 

CUT TO: EXPERTS CORNER SET

 

(RED GREEN and HAROLD sit at their usual chairs. The people with them are WINSTON ROTHSCHILD, EDGAR "K.B." MONTROSE and RAY VECCHIO.)

 

HAROLD

Today on Expert's Corner we have a special visitor all the way from Chicago -- Detective Raymond Vecchio!

 

(RAY gives a grin and thumbs-up to the applause.)

 

Our other two guests are Winston Rothschild from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Service, and demolitions expert Edgar "K.B." Montrose!

 

(WINSTON waves; as does EDGAR, dressed as usual in his smoldering demolition outfit.)

 

RED GREEN

Ray, you came up with Ben to work on his dad's cabin, right?

 

RAY VECCHIO

That's right, Red. I promised Benny I'd come up and help him fix the thing after...well, I promised I'd come.

 

RED GREEN

Tell me, Ray, you had much experience with building a cabin?

 

RAY VECCHIO

I'm letting Benny handle the wood-chopping part of this, Red. The main thing I'm interested in is how to get indoor plumbing for the cabin.

 

WINSTON

(Instantly)

For the Fraser cabin? Uh uh. Can't be done.

 

RAY VECCHIO

(Antagonistic)

Uh uh? Whaddya mean 'Uh Uh'?

 

WINSTON

Listen, Ray, you have to have _plumbing_ before you can have _indoor plumbing_. There's nothing but a septic tank on the Fraser place. Ooh, nasty one too!

 

(Ray gives a sickly grin.)

 

I had to clean that sucker out a couple of times before the cabin blew up. Even I wouldn't touch it _after_ it blew up.

 

EDGAR

That was you, wasn't it, Ray?

 

RAY VECCHIO

(Staring at Edgar, astonished)

You know about that?

 

EDGAR

Oh yeah. A botched demo job like that? Word gets around.

 

(RED GREEN and HAROLD stare at RAY.)

 

HAROLD

Detective Vecchio, you were the one who set off that explosion?

 

RED GREEN

Frankly, Ray, I'm surprised you've got the guts to show your face around here after that.

 

RAY VECCHIO

(Snarling)

Listen, I did what I had to --

 

EDGAR

Yeah, you had to blow it up, and you did a lousy job! I've seen my five-year-old blow up a building better than that! You left way too much standing structure.

 

RAY VECCHIO

(Staring at EDGAR at the 'five-year-old' comment)

I had one grenade, a spool of fishline, a bag of rice, and five minutes' warning!

 

EDGAR

(Waves one hand dismissively)

Ray, if you knew what you were doing, you coulda done the job with the bag of rice. No, no, what you shoulda done, see, is get in the cellar. Get in under the foundations, there and there, set yer charge, then you rig up your wire. Toothpick factory. KABOOM!

 

(EDGAR waves his arms wildly, nearly upsetting his chair and nearly backhanding RAY.)

 

Course, you'd want to get a couple of miles away before settin' it off first.

 

RED GREEN

And take off your glasses.

 

EDGAR

Oh, yeah. And check your pacemaker if you got one, y'know, the percussion can be pretty bad. And make sure there's no hunters in the area.

 

RAY VECCHIO

(Snidely)

Oh, and should I warn the guys trying to kill me not to go into the cabin, it's rigged?

 

EDGAR

(Earnestly)

Oh, you do that first.

 

HAROLD

Oh, yeah. You don't want anybody to get hurt.

 

(Ray stares at all of them.)

 

RAY VECCHIO

(Shaking his head)

I thought it was just Benny.

 

(The Canadians stare at the American, noncomprehending, as we...)

 

CUT TO: FIRE TOWER 13. RANGER GORD AT FOOT.

 

RANGER GORD

You're watching the Red Green Show. (Smiling shyly) Hi, Ben. It's "Steve."

 

CUT TO: POSSUM LODGE

 

(HAROLD playing synthesizer as RED re-enters Possum Lodge. He is covered with sawdust, wood chips, sticky sap and pine branches.)

 

RED GREEN

Well, work's progressing on the Fraser cabin. We all took one more stab at lifting those three big wooden walls. We got 'em about halfway up all around. And suddenly they all fell away on each side. Like a flower opening. It was breath-taking. Well, it took Moose Thompson's breath, he was under one of the walls.

 

HAROLD

(Horrified)

Uncle Red, you mean the whole cabin is destroyed?

 

RED GREEN

Oh, no! Ben and Ray finally got the work all figured out. So right now Ben Fraser's cutting, planing, shaping and settling the cabin walls into place, and Ray Vecchio's using his gun to keep the Possum Lodge guys away from the site.

 

(POSSUM SCREECH)

 

Time for the meeting. That's all for the show. If my wife's watching, I'll be home right after the meetin'...and I've got good news -- we've got three brand-new rafts to go white-watering this summer. So, from me and Harold and all the rest of the gang at Possum Lodge -- Keep your stick on the ice!

 

 

\-- QUANDO OMNI FLUNKUS, MORITATI --


End file.
